Sunrise, sunset

I'm feeling a little nostalgic today, gentle readers. I miss my baby boys.

I went into conceiving Little M. knowing that this would be my last baby. And he was...is. I'm totally, 100%, unbudgingly positive that I do not want any more children.

However...

He started crawling at 7 months.

He started walking at 13 months.

He weaned from the breast at 14 months.

He moved from a high chair to a booster seat at 18 months.

He was out of his crib at 2.

He was out of diapers at 3.

The nursery colors were painted over this spring.

He now only wants stories before bed, "no more singing, Mom." He can get some of his own snacks and he far more enjoys Power Rangers over Elmo and Grover. He's whielding a sword as we speak, in an attempt to protect me from "bad guys".

When I think about the above milestones, it seems now like they occured in the blink of an eye and I miss having a baby to care for.

But not really, of course, because Little M. was a darling but CHALLENGING baby and the reason that all those milestones seemed to occur in the blink of an eye is because blinking was the only sleep I got when he was a baby.

I wish there was a time machine for moms to use when they feel this way, because I think many moms feel this way. You could hop in, program it to the age you're nostagic for, stay for a few sweet hours and then come back to the current time.

I know that this is not a yearning for another baby. When Big M. was Little M.'s age (4), we were trying to conceive and the thought filled me with joy. I couldn't wait to be pregnant again, couldn't wait to have a new baby to care for, couldn't wait to bring a new person into our family. Now that Little M. is the same age, Mr. EM has had a vasectomy at my insistence and the thought of being pregnant again practically gives me hives. I do not want to care for a baby full-time ever again and our family is complete with just the four of us, thankyouverymuch. A few months ago my period was a couple of days later than usual, not even "late" by conventional standards, and I worried about being pregnant again to the point that I couldn't eat, sleep or form a coherent thought until the familiar signs of Aunt Flo made their appearance.

I'm just missing that sweet baby smell, those chubby cheeks, the cooing and the snuggling. I miss curling up with a nursing baby and stroking that fine, wispy hair. I miss peek-a-boo and the smell of Baby Magic lotion (way better than Johnson's, in my opinion). I miss tiny onesies and itty-bitty toes, ripe for kisses.

I do not miss teething, leaky breasts, poopy cloth diapers, smelling like spit-up, a tiny glutton attached to my breast all night long, trying every ointment on the market to clear up a diaper rash, dragging everything but the kitchen sink with me every time I leave the house, pumping at work or waking up sore because I laid in the same position, curled around the tiny glutton, all night long. In another year I will not miss the high cost of day-care.

And Mr. EM and I are starting to see snippets of the couple we were before we had kids and that's nice. Of course we chose to become parents and we love being parents. Having children has brought us closer together than I ever thought we would be. But...it's nice to take weekend trips every once in a while, just the two of us. It's nice to go out to dinner, wherever we want to eat, even to places without a children's menu, just the two of us. It's nice to see movies that aren't produced by Disney, just the two of us. While I sometimes miss having a baby around, I also missed the freedom that not having children allowed us and we've gotten a modest amount of that freedom back in the last year, with even more to come as the years pass us by.

I have friends and younger relatives who are still having babies, who are more that happy to pass them off to be held and played with for a little while. That's more than enough baby time for me. There will always be a soft, sentimental spot in my heart for this:


Big M. at 10 months, January of 2001, scanned from a print because we were too broke to own a digital camera at that time.


Little M. at his first birthday party, May of 2006.

But if this is the alternative...







Well, I think I can handle that just fine.