The Ex Factor

When Mr. EM and I were first dating, he took me to meet his mom.  She had pictures all over her apartment of family, mostly of Mr. EM and Stepson.  Sitting on a low shelf was a framed picture of Stepson and his mother.  My initial reaction, as the new girlfriend who'd just met this woman, was, "Huh...she's kept that picture out.  Weird...and maybe a little threatening." 

However, it took all of 5 minutes for me to come to the conclusion that, no, it wasn't really weird or threatening.  Mr. EM's and the Ex's relationship was not a good one while they were married or afterwards, but MIL's relationship with her was.  They had always gotten along well and continued to do so after the divorce and her move back to Germany.  MIL wanted to keep in touch with Stepson, who spoke no English at the time, so it was natural that she'd communicate regularly with the Ex and that they would continue to get along.  Once I got over myself and realized that MIL liked me just fine and the Ex was just that...an Ex, the framed photo ceased to bother me.

When Stepson was 11, MIL and Macho Man paid for him and the Ex to come here for a 2 week visit.  We all stayed at their house...one big happy family!  Mr. EM, Big M. and I in the basement, the Ex and Stepson in the guest bedroom.  I was initially a little nervous about meeting her and sharing a living space with her for 2 weeks, but it turned out to not be a big deal at all.  She and Mr. EM were able to be civil, she and I got along just fine.  She was engaged at the time, quite happy with her life, and the visit on a whole was very good. 

Since then, she and Stepson have been back here twice, though both times we've seen much less of  her because Stepson came to our house for most of his visit.  Her husband came with them both times.  He speaks no English, which is a little awkward for MIL and Macho Man, but they made do, communicating through her.  Their last visit was not pleasant though, which we found out after the fact from MIL.  They pretty much spent the entire 2 weeks sitting in the kitchen smoking and talking to each other in German.  They barely spoke to MIL or Macho Man.  They brought no toiletries with them, instead they told MIL what they needed and then expected her to pay for everything!  The husband didn't even bring any underwear, just threw some in her cart while they were at Target!  MIL bought all their food, drinks, toiletries, cigarettes...EVERYTHING.  No "thank you", no gifts from Germany, nothing.  MIL was struck dumb by the whole thing.  She certainly didn't mind opening her home to them, and she had counted on paying for most food items, but the toiletries?  The cigarettes?  And for whatever reason, she just didn't feel right confronting them about it.  She just suffered through their visit and figured if they ever mentioned visiting again, she'd come up with reasons why they couldn't stay with her.  That was 3 years ago. 

Stepson has not been here to visit since that time.  That's a post for another day.  He doesn't keep in touch with Mr. EM or MIL at all unless it's close to Christmas or his birthday.  He doesn't answer emails or respond to them on Facebook.  He doesn't call on their birthdays or holidays.  He seems to be going through a selfish phase and I think it sucks.  Mr. EM does too, but it's not a battle he's willing to fight.  He's taken the whole thing rather passively, but not MIL.  If she doesn't hear from Stepson after several attempts to talk with him, she'll call the Ex and ask what's up.  The Ex is of the opinion that Stepson is an adult now.  If he chooses not to talk to someone, that's his business.  It's a frustrating situation, but what can be done about it?  So, that's the way it's been.  We hear from him in early September and December of each year and that's it.  MIL calls over there every few months and gets a very generic update and that's it.  It's not ideal, but at least they get something, some word that he's ok.  Hopefully as he gets older, maybe gets married himself, he'll mature a bit more and realize what an ass he's being and make more of an effort.  Until then, that's where we are. 

So, imagine MIL's surprise when recently the Ex called to say that she and her husband were splitting up and would it be ok if she moved in with MIL and Macho Man!!!!!!!!!!!  I ask you, gentle readers, WHAT.  THE.  F&^K?!?!  Seriously?!  Really?!  What would possess someone to think that's it's appropriate to ask your ex-mother-in-law if you can move in with her after your current marriage falls apart? 

MIL, of course, said no.  She gave a few generic reasons like they didn't really have the space for another adult (technically they do), the Ex has a good job she shouldn't leave (she does), maybe this would be a good time for her to move closer to her mom (she should, her mom's health is not great), or if she wants to live in the U.S., how about living with her sister in Nevada?  (Duh!  She's been here to visit 3 times in the last 10 years and hasn't seen her sister once)  Then MIL did summon the balls to say, "And really, D., the last time you were here I didn't really feel like you cared very much about us.  You barely spoke to us, you didn't pay for anything.  You were kind of rude which made it a pretty unpleasant visit.  I care about you and I'm sorry you're going through this, but it really isn't my problem to fix." 

The Ex was stunned.  She had no idea MIL felt that way.  She was sorry, she didn't mean for things to be that way.  What, specifically, did MIL find rude?  How could she make this up to her?  Oh, she felt just terrible.  Blah blah blah...whatever.  I know I'm coming from a very biased place here, but it sounded to me like she was pretty desperate to get back into MIL's good graces and I have a sneaking suspicion that her sister in Nevada either had already said no about her staying there or is just unapproachable on the subject.  Again, all my info on her personality comes from the man who divorced her, but this isn't the first time things haven't worked out the way she thought they would and she has ALWAYS expected someone else to pick up the pieces for her.

Tough cookies, baby.  This is Earth Muffin's family now.  Put on your big girl panties and deal with this yourself!