My brother is an idiot, part deux

My parents' 40th wedding anniversary is next weekend.  In February, my brother got in touch with me via email and asked what I thought about throwing a party for them.  I agreed that would be a nice idea, but told him that spring is a really busy time for me, both with work and my own kids' school activities.  The details would have to be left up to him and I'd just have to pay him half of whatever he spent.  He understood and agreed...or so I thought. 

Initially, he seemed to think the party would be something like this:

So, I was thinking we could have it at the Crystal Ballroom, have some kind of "head table" where they could sit with the people who stood up with them at their wedding.  Best Man and Maid of Honor could give a speech, you and I could each give a speech.  You know, make it really nice.  Champagne, good food, the works.

It would seem that my brother thinks that I am as financially comfortable as he is...single, no kids or mortgage or responsibility, expendable cash.  "The works". 

I talked him down off that ledge:

Brother, they're not going to want something like that.  First of all, I don't think Mom even keeps in touch with her Maid of Honor any more.  Secondly, as much as they like to dress up and go out, they like just having drinks and socializing even better.  Why don't we rent the Sportsman's Club...since it's FREE (duh!)...order some chicken and veggie trays, get a couple of kegs and be done with it?

Ok, so that was settled.  He decided my idea was better and got right on reserving the Sportsman's Club, but then apparently did nothing else for the next 2 months.  He called me on May 11, exactly one month before the party, to say:

Um, I'm having a hard time getting in touch with any caterers.  I started calling last week and everyone's either booked that weekend or hasn't called me back.

Really?!?  Having a hard time securing a caterer in the midst of graduation/wedding season?!?  WTF?!?

WHY ON EARTH DID YOU WAIT UNTIL NOW TO START WORKING ON FOOD WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU I TOLD YOU I DID NOT HAVE TIME TO TAKE THE REINS OF THIS PARTY AND NOW THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO I'M NEVER PLANNING A PARTY WITH YOU AGAIN WE ARE SENDING THEM ON A TRIP FOR THEIR 50TH ANNIVERSARY OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To this, he replied that I should chill out and not to worry, he'd take care of getting the beer.  Should he get 3 kegs or 4?

Really?

Two.  Two?  Only two?  Yes, only two.  This isn't a frat party.  Fine, I guess someone can just make a beer run when we run out. (Notice he said "when", not "if".)

He created an "event" on Facebook as the invitation and started inviting people.  Most of the people who RSVP'd asked if they could bring anything or help out in any way.  To this, his reply was always some variation of, "Nope, Earth Muffin and I will take care of everything.  Just bring yourself and be ready to have a good time." 

I got in touch with a local restaurant that does catering and pulled together the cheapest food I could that wouldn't appear cheap when served.  They actually gave me a very good deal and I called him all excited about it.  When I told him the cost, I actually heard him GULP over the phone and then he said, "Wow.  This is going to cost a lot to pull together, isn't it?" 

Yes, dumbass.  What did you think?  You invited over 100 people to this party.  You seemed to think you could throw out a few bags of chips and 4 kegs of beer and be done with it.  Well, we can't do that.  We have to have a decent amount of decent food available, plus beer and plenty of non-alcoholic beverages.  AND we're going to need something to put all of this food on: plates, napkins, cups, utensils.  And did you think about ice?  And it was right around then that my head exploded because he said:

Huh...I guess when people were asking if they could help out, I should have said yes.

Ya think?!

So, what do we do now?  Should I go back and tell people that we could use a little help?

God help the woman he may someday marry, because planning a wedding with him is going to be a f&*king nightmare. 

Brother, that ship has sailed.  You can't go back and re-ask for help now.  We can call upon family to help us out, but not the friends.  I'm seeing Aunt M. tonight, I'll talk with her about it. 

And so, my dad's siblings are helping out with non-alcoholic beverages.  I've put him in charge of asking my mom's siblings to help out with ice.  (We'll see how that goes...it stands to reason that he'll wait until the morning of the party to get in touch with any of them.)  The caterer is providing plates and napkins.  Utensils and small plates for the cake will be cheap to get at Wal-Mart.  One thing I was unsure of was cups. 

Hey, when you ordered the kegs, did they say whether they provide a sleeve of cups with each keg?  Places used to do that when I was of keg-ordering age.

Huh?  Oh, I don't know.  I didn't ask.  I got Miller Light.  I figured that would suit everyone's taste ok.  You think?  Should I have gotten something else?  I can always change it, if you think I should.

So damn wrapped up in the beer, but not thinking at all about what he's going to pour it in. 

Never mind.  I'll get cups.  *sigh*

You know, Earth Muffin, you're getting a little too stressed out about the small details here.  By the way, I wanted to run something by you...it's just a thought, so don't freak out.  We don't have to do this, but...well, I was thinking it might be kind of fun to hire a band.

And that's when I hung up on him.  A BAND?!?  But then I had to call him back.

When are you getting into town?

Sometime the night before.  I didn't figure I'd need to be there any sooner than that.  I mean, what is there really going to be to do besides set everything up the day of?

Why would he have to come into town any earlier?  I mean, really.  There's not shit-tons of shopping to be done, a pavillion to be cleaned up, "small details" to attend to.  F&*ker.

As Mr. EM said, it'll be fine.  It'll all work out just fine.  We do have the big stuff taken care of and we're getting help with some of the "bigger small details"...well, at least half of them.  My parents will have a great time and so will everyone else.  I might even enjoy myself once the party has actually started and I can no longer do anything about the stuff that didn't get done to my satisfaction. 

Note to self:  NEVER plan a party with Brother again.  Ever.